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Have you ever found yourself engaged in a conversation being more eager about talking about yourself than listening to what the other person is saying. Successful communication requires having an attentive mindset as well as verbalizing your thoughts. Many associations fail because people talk “at” each other.

Unless someone hears what has been said the words have little value. The person trying to communicate feels that their contribution in the relationship is of little value. When we feel that we are being heard we are more likely to engage in negotiation and compromise. Listening involves far more than words. Facial expressions and body language is often a far more accurate barometer than the words that are being used. In the case of consoling a person, you might want to gently touch their hand, or even give them a hug to show you really care. You need to listen actively to be an active listener.

Here are several pointers that may assist you in becoming a more effective listener. Make eye contact. Do not just verbalize while you are looking all around the room. Look at the person you are speaking to. Read the body language of the talker. Are they relaxed, anxious, angry? It is easy to recognize the extremes, but the message is sometimes more subtle. React in a like manner to subtly mirror the other person’s body language. Nodding in response to what is being said to you shows the other person you are listening.

Make appropriate responses. If you are unclear about what is being said, ask relevant questions and ask for clarification. Do not just nod in response at what you “think” was said. This can end up being very hurtful and embarrassing if your response is negative when it should have been positive. At the close of the conversation, summarize your understanding of what was said. The “who”, “what”, “where” and “when” open ended questions are recommended. When responding to questions, and interacting in a conversation, make sure the tone of your voice does come across as judgmental. Do not elude an interrogative manner. The old saying, “It is not so much what you say, but how you say it” rings true in this instance.

If the person you are conversing with is relating a traumatic experience or hardship, be empathetic. Acknowledge difficulties being careful not to relate similar experiences you have had. Simply say, ” I sense that you are finding this rather difficult”, rather than “Oh I know how you feel, a similar thing happened to me, but it was a lot more difficult.” It is important that the person you are speaking with senses your honesty and sincerity. It will be obvious if your conversation lacks these qualities.

Do not make the mistake of thinking ahead to what you want to say next. Doing this takes your mind off the conversation at hand,and and you come across as having a lack of interest attitude. Be totally attentive. It is amazing how much more enjoyable a conversation is when we allow the input of others! You will also learn a lot.

Happy listening!

Judy Conway
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